Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I want to kill myself

i want to kill myself. not the happiest thought in the world but there you go. can't say it hasn't popped into my head more than a few times.

why would i want to pop my own clogs? well, chronic pain gets you down. it's hard to communicate to someone who hasn't experienced it, even doctors. they just seem to want to hand out pills and that's you. they feel they have done their job, but you still have to go on hurting. it seemed sensible. i'm only 32 now and have been having various pains for 5 years, why should i go on hurting for the forseeable future? bleak maybe, but when you talk to an 83 year old and he seems fitter than you with no pain except a 'little loss of feeling in his feet due to diabetes,' i think bleakness was warranted.

having doctors look at you and say 'well you look pretty fit' doesn't help matters. the thought occurs to you that maybe it's in your head. random disparate symptoms that seem unconnected seem to attract the wonderful diagnosis of fibromyalgia. that never sat well with me, so the search went on.

fibromyalgia led to hypermobility which led to London which led to a diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, an incurable connective tissue disorder. yay.

knowing is better than not knowing. having a diagnosis is a great thing, having been in limbo for half a decade with chiropractors quite willing to just keep taking my money. i'm sure there are many good ones out there, but when a patient doesn't get better and actually gets worse, you have to wonder how they sleep at night.

knowing what i have at least gives some guidelines on how to live my life better with less pain and who knows, maybe even some painkillers that will work and have no side effects. what's more is a renewed focus. not having to search for an answer to that, i can have another goal: back to uni to study a post grad.

maybe there is too much to do to bump oneself off just yet.


1 comment:

Tim's Digital Darkroom said...


Doctors...you can't not pay them nor can you kill em!

Must be tough for sure, physically and especially emotional. I cannot in any way shape or form relate. I have been blessed with great health to date aside from my tub of a butt!

Maybe you could get involved in a foundation to raise money for that particular disease?

All I know is you're about the last person I'd want to see off thyself!

Good post (scary subject)....funny pic!